During a trip through Iran years ago I did a lot of hiking with some friends. We went into the mountains with mules, carrying our luggage. It started out easy, but it soon got tougher as we had to carry our backpacks again and then hit the snow. We camped for one night in the snow and the next day we continued our journey to cross the mountain-pass (bergpas). It was not steep, just heavy to walk in the deep snow, walking in a straight line behind each other and yet trying to keep the spirit up. I did not like it. It was ugly, heavy, boring and cold. Why were we here, while there are so many beautiful places in this country?

This trip reminded me of our tour over the last nine months. It started out easy, but soon got heavier and more scary. There was only one way out, continue the way up until you go over the top. There are moments you think you will not make it. Moments you think ‘why me, why now, why?’. And yet we had to go on. Finally we made it to the top and the next disappointment appeared. Nothing ahead of us, but snow. We felt like laying down on our backpacks and simply slide down. But our experienced mountaineer told us not to do that. ‘Beware of avalanches’, he said, and we were taught what to do in case we would be covered with meters of snow.

That’s where I am now. I so believe I went over the top! The recovery-hotel in combination with the new medication seem to do their work. Or, finally my body is following my mind. It is well-known that matter is slower than the mind and for months I have been waiting for my body to react. I feel like it finally reacted. It picked up the signals I kept on sending. We’re going in the right direction, descend has started! But this will not be the easiest part of the trip. It feels so tempting to fall on your back and slide down. But descending often is even more dangerous than climbing up a mountain. You cannot afford to make any mistake. Also, make sure you avoid any avalanche.

One of the avalanches I could meet now is to become overconfident and start to be too busy again with all kinds of things. I could become less precise on my diet. I feel very good about the reaction of my body, but the job is not even halfway yet. We will go on, but reaching this turning point definitely boosted our confidence in a good outcome. Last Wednesday my oncologist had to walk back and forth to the computer two times, since he could not rhyme my blood-values with my physical condition. My look, the way I walked and my weight-gain clearly surprised him in a positive way. Suddenly the LDH value appeared to be more than a tumor-marker. ‘Let’s not pay too much attention to that number’, he said. I couldn’t agree more.

I need to keep both of my feet on the ground, but should not forget to keep on moving. In the meantime I will keep my eye on what we got as reward when we passed the snow-line. Ahead of us was the most beautiful valley I have ever seen. The most beautiful flowers, a gorgeous view and an easy path to walk on. The mountaineer started looking for the best place to cross the little river. We were flabbergasted when we reached our destination for that day: a hot-water spring in a little cave. While sitting in the water the tour-guide came down with Douwe-Egberts cappuccino. We had forgotten all about the tough road to get here, we were just enjoying the moment.

Although I feel I have crossed the top, there is more snow to go through. But one day, I will sit in that natural hot-tub again having gained a lot of life-lessons on how I got there.

That is what is keeping me going, confident as always. But I am not sure if I will ever sign up for this tour again.

Joost

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