View on Cancer
Is there only one way to look at cancer, one view? I don’t think so. But keeping the spirit and hopes up increase the changes on a good outcome, that is for sure. And, as said often before, there is so much you can do yourself to play with the odds.
This week it is tough though. I just got back from a long hospital day with a PET-CT and blood-transfusion. Normally the scan would not bother me so much. I still believe I am the stronger one. So why is it suddenly getting so much heavier on me and Jenn ? Probably because the symptoms are starting to really limit me in day to day life. And the symptoms cannot only be assigned to side-effects anymore.
We’re nervous. We expect the results tomorrow and based on that we’ll discuss with the oncologist if I will need to switch medication again. Well, that’s the positive side, there are still alternative treatments available. And let’s not speculate on tomorrow’s results. It just shows that the more visible the signs of the disease become, the more scary it gets. The more difficult it is to stay positive and to do things that keep on moving me.
I still work very hard to do the little things that I enjoy. Little walks, playing two songs with the band two nights ago, building a new website (announced soon!) and reading books with the kids. But just that is getting harder. Katy sees that daddy is more and more limited in what he can do. She feels there is something going on. She is showing some physical signs that we believe are stress-related. Part of it will be her age, but we’re sure she is extremely sensitive for the situation. She is protecting me like she protecting her Mousy. She kisses me like she really believes she can change the frog into the prince that she can marry and that can carry her up a horse.
This is changing my view on cancer. It is easier to switch off knowledge than pain and discomfort. You need a ‘functioning body’ in order to have your mind work for you. Knowing that you have cancer is one thing, when it starts to limit you in your day to day life than that is another story.
I start to feel sorry for myself sometimes. It’s like I need more understanding and comforting. For months I stimulated Jenn to take the kids to the her parents in the US. This Sunday they are flying and now I don’t like it. Not that I want them to stay, no I just want be felt sorry for. I just want to feel crap that I cannot go, that I have to miss my kids for two weeks. At the same moment I will need the two weeks ‘off’. I will go to Kuur & Herstel and fully concentrate on what I can do myself to get better. Take enough rest and go in the water or steam-bath whenever I feel like. I won’t have to play the father’s role or the husband’s role. I can just concentrate on myself.
This is a very double feeling, we realize. Jenn wants to stay for me and I want her to go for her, still both with mixed feelings. We talked about it a lot together this week. They will go, but we both just admit that it is also very hard for both of us.
It’s like I need to comfort the little Joost, crying because he feels left alone. Maybe I am touching on a deeper reason for the existence of this cancer and Jenn going to the US is just the trigger that makes it all come out. Maybe my body is just reacting with all kinds of discomforts to call for attention.
We don’t know. All we know is that it is okay to feel sad and afraid every now and then and that we ‘just’ need to make sure to stay out of any negative spiral. We’re sure we will with all the support that we still feel around us. Please keep on cheering us up and motivate us to keep going. We need it!
Soon we will move this Blog to a new website where we will increase the interaction with the readers, friends and family, but also other people being in similar circumstances. I really enjoy having this writing as an outlet for my emotions.
Whatever the message will be tomorrow, we will continue to fight. We have too many beautiful people and things around, nothing can take that away from us!
Joost
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February 15th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Hi Joost,
This is your wife speaking. Just wanted to add a comment because, well, you deserve to see how you touched me with this entry. it wasn’t easy to write this down. sometimes in this process you are confronted with difficult things that are very unexpected (like the cancer isn’t enough!!). I think for you the hardest piece from the beginning until today is ‘acceptance.’ And that can mean so many things. You are so open and honest in these entries and it would be a crime to censor yourself. don’t ever hesitate to write it down no matter how jarring or scary something is to admit or how you think I or others might react.
Love, Jenn
February 16th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Everybody has a little Joost or a little Marietje or little Pietje in them that needs cherishing, both from yourself and from others. Keeping yourself strong for a long time in the face of adversity may have made little Joost feel a little neglected. There has to be a balance between strength and (allowing to show) vulnerability. Showing vulnerability is perhaps the ultimate sign of strength, so in a way they come together again. Yin and Yang.
It will be difficult being without your family for a little while, but as you say, it also gives all of you an opportunity to load up some energy.
We’re with you.
your brother Bart
February 16th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
We all love both the little Joost and the adult Joost. Without the little Joost you could not have become the wonderful adult Joost that you are! No cancer in the world can change that. Keep up the positive thinking - we are with you, too!
February 29th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
I sent an email to Joost after his “View on Cancer” entry containing some quotes that I thought might be uplifting/encouraging/inspirational to him. He’d wanted to put them up on the website but it looks like he never got the chance, so I thought I’d attach our correspondence for him. The Roosevelt quote is particularly good, I think…if Joost wasn’t a “man in the arena” I don’t know who is!
I am comforted to know that Joost is no longer in pain. My heart goes out to the Verheggens and the Reas, and all who loved him. I hope that maybe these quotes might now provide solace to some of you.
Lots of love,
Toby
From: Toby Asel
Date: Feb 21, 2008 9:41 AM
Subject: Re: View on Cancer
To: Joost Verheggen
Absolutely, Joost…go for it! Hope you are hanging in there. xo
On 2/21/08, Joost Verheggen wrote:
Toby
thanks so much for these valuable quotes! Can I post them on my website, http://www.viewoncancer.com?
This would be a great addition.
thanks so much for your support!
Joost
On Sun, Feb 17, 2008 at 11:08 PM, Toby Asel wrote:
Joost,
I just read your entry from February 14th and, like the others, was deeply touched. I have been ruminating over what I could possibly post on the blog to provide you some of that requested cheerleading. I couldn’t come up with words, which got me thinking… I journal every now and again and when I hear a quote from a movie or read something that resonates with me, I try to jot it down. Sometimes others can put what you’re feeling into words better than you can yourself! So, I thought I’d just send you a few. I’ve collected these over many years and actually enjoyed flipping back through my little journal and going through them - thanks for being my inspiration to do just that…
A few from the hit show Grey’s Anatomy:
“Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe gratitude is appreciating what you have for what it is.”
“At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage enough to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”
“Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams~
Think not about your frustrations but about your unfulfilled potential~
Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in but with what is still possible for you to do.”
–Pope John XXII
“Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should…whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace in your soul.”
–anonymous
“May you always have enough happiness to keep you sweet; enough trials to keep you strong; enough success to keep you eager; enough faith to give you courage; and enough determination to make each day a good day.”
–blessing
“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”
–Harriet Beecher Stowe
“If you’re having trouble moving forward, remind yourself that you can create benefits from setbacks, even those that seem insurmountable. Tell yourself, ‘I will learn from this. I will grow from it.’ Over time, you’ll come to believe it. The truth is that you can’t learn resilience without being challenged.”
–magazine article
“One thing about being lonesome is that you think too much, especially when there isn’t much else you can do…Circumstances will change and things will be fine, just hold on a little more.”
–Ishmael Beah, A Long Way Gone
“It is not the critic who counts; nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
–Teddy Roosevelt, The Man in the Arena
Joost, keep your chin up and your head strong. We are all cheering you so wholeheartedly and fervently. Close your eyes and try to feel it — channel all the love and support and warm thoughts we are all sending your way.
Lots and lots and lots of love,
Toby